There are times in our lives when we are called to confront deep inner turmoil – pain accumulated both over our lifetime or inherited through our familial lineage. The long-avoided and beautiful, yet harsh, truths inside us eventually surface to our attention, for some a slight disruption and for others a life-altering crisis.
Perhaps it’s a change in one’s environment, roles, or abilities that brings about a crisis. Perhaps it’s a single moment of humility. These times strip away the illusion of a belief we once lived in and show us the underlying fears that attracted these crises for our learning. The truth will always prevail. In these moments, what is revealed is the true state of our will that’s been driving our decisions up until that point, no matter what intellectual affirmations and excuses we’ve clung to before.
As discomfort arises, it’s easy to fall into comfort traps and distractions – creating temporary pleasure but deepening our inner wounds. Yet despite these seemingly dark times, light is making its way through the cracks. They are sacred opportunities to dust off and strengthen our will, to remember the Love that created us and glimpse into our potential.
This article is an invitation to interpret fear truthfully in order to progress in Love. Here, “fear” is not only meant as the commonly perceived reactive form, but more importantly the emotional barriers we create and maintain throughout our lives. The objective for the reader is to understand fear: its origin, function, and its essential role in our healing journey towards Love.
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What Is Fear?
Fear is an emotion created by humans, not God. Mankind has chosen to welcome it into our experience, pass it down through generations, and make it habitual. Since we’ve created fear, it is our responsibility to abolish it. The responsibility does not fall onto God, the government, Santa Claus, Jesus, our parents, priests, doctors, billionaires, politicians, channeled spirits, or other saviors.
A teacher of mine once stated a powerful acronym: FEAR = False Expectations Appearing Real. These expectations may also be referred to as beliefs, outcomes, or predictions – a projection based on a false assumption. In other words, fear is an illusion; it is not a real phenomenon. It is to believe in a self-created falsehood, a false belief system about oneself, others, or the world that shapes one’s thoughts, words, and actions.
Next time you find yourself in a state of fear, even subtly, ask yourself, “Am I holding onto erroneous expectations or beliefs?”
Becoming aware of our personal fears begins the process of disillusionment. To assess how fear may be influencing your daily life, carefully consider the following questions. Consider these questions based on how you feel inside, rather than how the facade version of you would respond.
How often do I make choices “just in case” something bad happens?
How much discomfort or anxiety do I feel on an average day? (ie. tension in the chest or stomach)?
How does fear affect all aspects of my outer life (communication, actions and behavior, personality, dress style)?
How does fear affect all aspects of my inner life (thoughts, ideas, preferences, inner-reactions, judgements, assumptions, demands)?
Are there people, places, or situations I avoid because of fear?
Do I fixate on negative news, future catastrophes, or the commonly believed dim future of humanity?
If we were to write them down, we would find that we collectively share many of the same fears. Our unique blend creates our personal experience.
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How Fear Develops
Observe a baby or a toddler. A baby cries the moment it feels an emotion, without hesitation or worry of who’s around. A child cries and shamelessly throws their body to the ground in a tantrum, with arms and legs flailing in every direction. Children will complete the crying process completely, then surrender to the present moment and return to peace. The process starts and finishes with acceptance.
But this natural cycle is often interrupted.
It is in these earliest days and years that children receive messages – spoken and unspoken – on which emotions are acceptable and which are not. The parents’ or primary caregivers’ beliefs about every emotion dictate the exact beliefs passed down to the child. It does not matter what they believe intellectually about a particular emotion or how they speak of it; what is in their heart will express itself onto the child automatically.
When one is uncomfortable feeling a particular emotion in themself, they will unconsciously suppress it in others. Similarly, when a parent or caregiver is uncomfortable with feeling their own pain, sadness, fear, or even joy, they often distract, suppress, and redirect that same emotion in their children. Methods may include shushes, moaning, snapping, patting of the backs, funny faces, toy puppetry, rocking movements, and more. A child may be scolded, disregarded, or commanded to “be quiet”.
Because children are deeply attuned to their parents’ emotions, this emotional suppression creates a new belief system for them: feeling means love being withdrawn, and it is dangerous. It teaches the child that our strong emotions are the thunderstorm to wish away at all times, and to run away from when in sight.
The child then never learns that their emotions, like thunderstorms, are brought upon not by mistake but by purpose and Love. How will they ever learn the healing power of feeling uncomfortable emotions, listening to the rumble of Earth’s elements, and the inner serenity and wisdom that enters when they are taught to distract? Would artificially halting all thunderstorms do good for the Earth? This warping of perception, the corruption of a natural cycle, need not be.
Over time, this conditioning continues. A single moment of love withdrawal in response to a neutral or innocent event can create long-lasting associations.
- Fear of nature or animals: A child points curiously at a garden snake, and a caregiver gasps and pulls them away. The moment is charged with fear. Though the snake never showed harm, the child now associates it with danger and the sudden loss of connection.
- Fear of death: Many children are first introduced to death as something frightening, dark, and tragic—through media, religious teachings, funerals, or whispered adult conversations. Rarely is death presented as a peaceful or sacred transition. The emotional energy surrounding the topic teaches the child that death equals despair and, therefore, fear.
- Fear of money: In families where money is scarce, fought over, or treated as taboo, children pick up subtle emotional cues. They may learn that money causes conflict, is hard to get, or is reserved for the powerful. Without understanding the details, they absorb the stress and shame surrounding it—and carry that forward into adulthood.
- Fear of disapproval: Children often adapt their behavior to gain approval and avoid punishment—physical or emotional. Over time, they become experts at performing roles, hiding their truth, or silencing themselves to maintain harmony. The cost is authenticity, and the root is fear.
- Fear of telling the truth: If a child is punished, shamed, or dismissed after speaking the truth, they may develop a deep-seated belief that honesty is unsafe. Even as adults, they may struggle to express themselves truthfully, always fearing conflict or judgment.
This is how fear becomes planted and follows us into adulthood – not from the original emotion itself, but from the early childhood association made that feeling the emotion will result in pain or rejection.
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Emotional Addictions
Once these fears become implanted in us, our lives begin to form around avoiding them. In this state, we use coping mechanisms, or emotional addictions or dependencies that help us bypass the fear and emotional pain we’re refusing to feel. Therefore, the best way to identify our fears is to look at our addictions or dependencies. They are the beliefs, thoughts, words, and actions we’ve created within us and subsequently constructed our outer lives around in order to avoid feeling what we don’t want to feel.
Emotional addictions show in a multitude of ways: they may be overt or extremely covert, and may or may not include a substance, material, or activity. They are behaviors and patterns that are often repetitive or routine in our lives. They can be identified when we notice recurring problems and bothersome patterns presenting. We’re often unwilling to detach from these addictions and may feel angry, upset, or generally unbalanced when unfulfilled.
Some examples include:
Substance and behavioral addictions:
- Alcohol or recreational drugs
- Prescription drugs or “medicinal” herbs
- Processed (including cooked) foods, unhealthy eating patterns
- Gambling, shopping, video games, social media
- Pornography or compulsive sexual behavior
- Keeping busy with meaningless tasks or activities, over-productivity, procrastination
- Obsessive-compulsive behaviors
Emotional and relational addictions:
- Constantly seeking approval or validation
- Chronic people-pleasing or emotional caretaking
- Passive communication or indirectness
- Arguing or controlling behavior to feel powerful
- Excessive optimism as a cover for unacknowledged pain
- Overattachment to roles (e.g., being the “perfect” mother, boss, friend, or partner)
- Only choosing to be in the company of those who agree with you.
- Apologizing more than morally necessary.
At this moment, I look outside and notice a neighbor’s “beware of dog” sign on their front lawn (fear of strangers or robbery), I hear my roommate spraying sunscreen on herself in the bathroom (fear of the sun’s rays/sickness), I remember yesterday’s interaction at work where a worried mother called to ask if she needed to come in for her newborn’s temperature of 100 degrees F (fear of a child’s death). These fears, under God’s eyes, are all illusory.
In my own life, I could devise a laundry list of the personal ways I distracted myself from feeling, whether it was about overdoing something or actively avoiding it. From exercising, working, eating, the use of technology, social events, traveling, romantic relationships, entertainment, OCD-like behaviors, anger, and much more. Some of these are not inherently wrong to participate in. It is only when the intention is based in a desire not to feel, that it becomes a method (an addiction) to harm our growth. When the intention is based on Love, only loving outcomes are the result.
A personal example was when I realized how irritable I became whenever I missed my morning jog. At the time, I would wake up on my days off and immediately jump out of bed. I’d throw on my running clothes, tie my shoes, grab my iPod, and head to Chicago’s Lakefront Trail just a short walk away. No warming up, no stretching or breathing exercises, not even a “Good morning” smile to a passerby. After this bewildered frenzy, I’d find myself on the trail, my body stiff with each stomp, breathing heavy, uncomfortable with my own sweat or the piercing winter wind on my face. The blaring music in my ears was the only thing that kept me going—a favorite form of stimulation back then. I felt like it was the right thing to do. After all, exercise can only be good for us, right?
Now and then, if I had to miss this routine, the crisis would begin—the adult inner tantrum, the red flag of addiction. Jogging at any other time of the day didn’t ease this uneasiness. Relief only came in the morning. When I finally allowed my anger to safely release itself, I began to see that it pointed to a deeper grief I carried each morning. I realized I couldn’t simply sit in bed for a few minutes upon waking. Why? Because I often had eerie dreams or terrifying nightmares, and I didn’t wake up with joy in my heart. In my emotionally numb state at the time, sadness or grief never felt like an option, so I had to immediately—literally—run away from them.
The more I let myself be still upon waking and feel these heavy emotions fully, the more I was able to trace them back to their childhood associations and understand why I had formed the desire to avoid them through jogging. With time, and a growing desire to know the truth about myself through my emotions, my mornings became sacred moments of gratitude and light. Exercise no longer has an addictive grip on me, and I now find joy in moving my body in many ways—even jogging.
While my addiction to avoiding dark, dream-based emotions showed up as jogging, this same pattern can take many forms for others—through breakfast, showers, coffee, watching the news, and more. If there is a refusal to stay in silent stillness in the morning, there is a refusal to feel. The examples of other addictions in our lives are endless. With a sensitive eye and open heart, the walls, gates, locks, veils, and facades within us become more apparent over time.
How much emotional investment do you put into avoiding your fears?
What does a life experience of Love feel like, one completely void of fear?
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Releasing Fear
After becoming more aware of the fears we store inside, the healing comes when we decide to embrace feeling them as they come. Why distract ourselves from them when embracing them leads to fewer future crises? It is only the long and grueling endeavor of avoidance that leads to crises in our lives, the ones that turn us upside down and have us question everything. Deny the fear, and that fear insidiously continues to taint every thought, word, and action we produce. The people, places, and events of our world then reflect God’s desire for you to learn the lesson in that fear and relinquish it. Once an erroneous belief (a fear) leaves the soul, the truth is allowed to enter. You then come to know the truth of the matter, which is always good and loving news.
Feel. Releasing our fears means feeling through them completely. Slow down your addictions and dependencies as they happen, release all judgment, feel them to the fullest depth possible, and welcome the fear inside more and more. Emotions are only energy in motion; they are meant to come and go. Create more space for silence and awareness in your daily motions and interactions. Allow feelings to enter and express themselves in whatever way and pattern that’s necessary. This can look like jumping up and down, shaking the whole body, extending the extremities out on the floor and outward, pacing, moving into a fetal position, or simply sitting in a comfortable position. It can look like yelling with joy or terror. Remember the child’s pure and non-intellectual expression and aim to recreate it with your own emotion.
For beginners, it may be helpful to first create special spaces and allow ample and undistracted time alone. This can be a room in the home, an empty church, a forest trail, wide open spaces in nature, bathrooms of public spaces, and more. These spaces ideally are private and free of distractions, and it’s a bonus if you’re able to make a lot of noise. Carve out at least 30 minutes in your day to be in these spaces alone and simply be. This doesn’t mean to meditate, which is a practice of regulating emotions and preventing overwhelm. The point is to be completely overwhelmed with emotion. Let the electricity of truth finally flow through the nervous system, adrenals, heart, lungs, and every cell of your body. It has literally been dying to do so.
With time and practice, it becomes easier to quickly get yourself into a feeling state as a child does. Then each fear begins to lose its hold on us. The need for tools like safe spaces and alone time falls away, and each moment becomes a sacred opportunity to feel God’s Truth and Love entering. An uncomfortable feeling that at once seemed unbearable becomes familiar, then temporary, and finally, unnecessary.
Redefine pain. Our relationship with love and pain has been grossly skewed over generations. As previously mentioned, we learn as children that certain experiences and emotions should not be felt. We continue to live under this belief as adults and subsequently attract people, places, and events that become opportunities to feel through these fears. Both physical and emotional pain are not inherently bad, but instead are signals that something is wrong and ought to be attended to. These pains only erupt when we have been in denial of a truth within us about a certain matter. While pain, like fear, was created by us and not God, it is a thoughtful touch in the design to keep us on the right path as long as we listen to it. Pain is our eventual attraction, our opportunity to feel and not run away from.
Redefining pain starts with unlearning the association between pain and the withdrawal of love. Anytime you notice physical or emotional pains arising, practice feeling your emotions through the pain while envisioning the protection of God’s Love around you. Allow the intelligence of the body to take hold and allow the emotional obstructions to break up. An easy example is allowing yourself to feel the catharsis of a completed crying process after a minor physical injury. By redefining pain from an experience of weakness and emptiness to a place of strength and fulfillment, we come back to the correct perception of each moment’s reality.
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“Perhaps you think you did not make the world, but came unwillingly to what was made already, hardly waiting for your thoughts to give it meaning. Yet in truth you found exactly what you looked for when you came.” – A Course In Miracles (W-pI.132.4:3)
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All crises in our lives, large and small, are invitations for God’s Love and Truth to enter. Infinite blessings are available from releasing our illusory fears, and they continue once the error is permanently gone. Every release brings us closer to the graciously fearless human we were always meant to be.
Is this not what you want?